


A Court of Silver and Thunder

by lulubee1234



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Action/Adventure, After ACoFaS, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Romance, Smut, The Night Court
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-07-23 18:04:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16164077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulubee1234/pseuds/lulubee1234
Summary: *Takes place after A Court of Frost and Starlight*While everyone is focused on the rebuilding, there is still much work to be done. Feyre has set up a city specifically for refugees from the war with Hybern inside the night court, The Illyrians are less than enthused to have Nesta in their midst, and Elain has some decisions to make about her mate and whether Lucien is the male who holds her heart.An Elriel slow burn fic, with some nice fluff and smut for Feysand, and surprises for Nessian in store.Enjoy!





	1. Emunah, City of Refuge

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Everybody, 
> 
> I am new on the ACOTAR scene even though I have been a fan for a long time. I forgot how much I love fandom and sharing my work with everyone. I used to write heavily in the Hunger Games sphere, tons of naughty and fluffy Everlark, which I welcome you all to check out. I took some time off from Fandom to write ‘professionally’ and get paid and while I still enjoy that writing, nothing is as invigorating and rewarding as being a part of Fandoms I love and writing Fics for people who love these characters as much as I do. For now I’ll be writing lots of Feysand, Elrial, and Nessian until Sarah J. Maas can convince me otherwise ;). Please comment and let me know you’re out there. Hearing from all of you puts a huge smile on my face and pushes me to keep creating for you all. That’s the best form of payment as far as I’m concerned. 
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Lulu

**Rhys**

I squint at the sun while the dry wind whips at my hair. I wish I could pull out my wings and soar threw these canyons far away from the living nightmare I feel stuck in. I already left the hell that was the war with Hybern but mentally I’m was still struggling. Especially now, with Feyre in Tamlin’s territory. That’s something of an understatement. I’m not struggling, I’m a mess. Every instinct, every logical cell in my brain is yelling at me to get Feyre. To find her and get her out of the Spring Court. At least this was just a day trip. It still feels too dangerous. She might be pregnant for cauldron’s-sake and she’s in Tamlin’s territory. The small part of my brain that isn’t busy searching the horizon for my mate reminds me why it’s so important she went. There are innocent people who are now stuck on the border of a war torn land. And my mate couldn’t live with the fact that most of the other courts had closed its borders to the refugees. I happen to agree with her.

  
_“These were people who cared for me when Tamlin turned abusive and Lucien just stood by.” She said as she packed a bag of weapons. “Alis and her family deserve to come to the night court. They shouldn’t be holed up in these tent cities. None of them should.”_  
And she was right.  
These people were a byproduct of war, of a miss managed court, by a high lord that put his own irrational needs before that of his people. They only wanted a new place to start. We were already providing the aid we could. It wasn’t easy though. We were one of the farthest courts from Spring and frankly we didn’t have the most stellar of reputations. I don’t think that had ever bothered Feyre, until now.

Az, do you have an update? I ask, mind to mind.

Of course, Feyre would kill me if she knew I was here. Waiting for her. Having a mild anxiety attack. Tamlin may have been broken the last time I saw him but I had a strong inclination that when he bounced back his fuel would be more along the lines of self righteous anger. Or worse, vengeance. A vengeance I was terrified would be aimed at my mate.  
She’s still helping her pack up. They’re getting ready to winnow. So far all clear.  
I was supposed to be meeting with the Autumn court. Attempting to get them to reopen their borders. I was supposed to be negotiating. Something at which I usually excel. Unfortunately, all it took was ten minutes for the deal to fall through. I was not going to agree to stand by while Autumn invaded the human realm. If we thought we had a refugee crisis with the Spring court, winnowing out humans to safer territory would be a full blown catastrophe. It would be like cutting off my entire leg in an effort to save my foot.  
How are things going with the Illyrians? I ask Cassian.  
All the puppies are still whining.  
And Nesta?  
Why do you think they’re all whining? I can hear the smile in his words.  
How bad is it?  
Well. The males are taking turns keeping the women circling high above the camp. None of them will come down unless Nesta is in the house.  
I smirk. I should have brought my sister in law in to terrorize that lot the second she was turned Fae. Would have lessened a large headache this past year.

After another twenty minutes, I can’t take it anymore. I cave.  
Need some help? I purr down the bond.  
We’re about to winnow. It’s bad Rhys. It’s really bad.  
Something I can do?  
No. We’ll talk about it after I get her settled.  
I love you. Be safe.  
In that moment Feyre winnows in front of me holding who I assume must be Alis. The little Faerie is slightly hunched over and seems like a ghost, like the kind of ghost Ferye was after leaving under the Mountain.  
My mate walks the few steps over to me and gives me a hug. I can feel her exhaustion, her sadness.  
“Alis, this is Rhysand, my mate.”  
Alis’s eyes widen imperceptibly as she takes me in. She knows who I am and while she seems to still trust Feyre enough even with her title of High Lady. I still clearly make her nervous.  
“He’s going to winnow us to Emunah, the city of faith. The place I was telling you about.”  
Alis gives the slightest of nods. I wrap my arm around my mate, put a hand on Alis’s shoulder and then we’re off, twisting through the space between realms.  
The smells of fresh cut pine and clean laundry drying in the wind greets me first. Then the sounds of Emunah, our newest settlement, city of refugees sings through my ears. Nails being hammered into wood, gulls singing over head, and the bustle of feet trying to find where they are meant to go. This place turned out even better than I imagined.

_“So I want to do something.” Feyre said, coming into our bedroom._  
_I looked at the clock, it was two am. “Are you not busy enough?”_  
_She sticks her tongue out at me. “I mean for the spring court.”_  
_My eyebrows lift up my forehead._  
_“For the refugees I mean. Tamlin is clearly not, he’s clearly not, well, leading. And I just feel…” She sighs. Coming and sitting down on the mattress. “I feel guilty.”_  
_“We’ve talked about this. You were too easy on Tamlin.”_  
_“I don’t feel guilty for what I did to Tamlin. I feel guilty for all of the innocent people who are stuck with no home, and no where else to go. With summer enacting quotas on the amount of Spring court citizens who can come in and Autumn closing their borders all together…”_  
_“We haven’t turned down a single member of the spring court who has come to us seeking shelter.”_  
_“I know that. But it’s not like that many are coming here.”_  
_“We are the farthest court. And our reputation doesn’t exactly help.”_  
_“I want to open up our doors to them.” She chews on her lower lip. It is…distracting._  
_I take hold of her hips. “We’re going to need a bigger estate.”_  
_“I mean it.” Her hand rests on my shoulder. “I want to give them shelter, I want to help them. Get them back into homes. Get them work. Allow them to move on. All of them.”_  
_“That is a beautiful dream.”_  
_“But not a reality.” She says, disappointment weighing down her words._  
_“I didn’t say that. Not at all. It’s just a lot. And with Velaris still rebuilding and the Art studio taking off…”_  
_“I know that. And I know it’s bad timing with us…trying.”_  
_“If you want to wait. If you want me to start taking the tonic again…”_  
_“No. No, I don’t want that. I just, I need to help them.”_  
_“We can increase the aid we give to the tent cities on the border.”_  
_“I want to create a new town, city, for them. I mean, a place they can start over. Here, at the night court.”_  
_“Is there somewhere you had in mind?”_  
_My mate smiles._

Feyre has that same smile on her face as I blink away the memory. She is holding Alis’s hand and slowly taking her up the steps of a small cottage we had assigned to her. I follow behind them brining up Alis’s possessions, a sack of clothing and a few teapots by the feel of it. An entire life… narrowed down to a single sack. My heart goes out to the pain of what Alis and all the others have been through, still have to go through and a wave of love and gratitude go out toward my mate. My kind mate who even through her own struggles of trying to heal from the war needed to reach out and save those who had no one left to fight for them.  
“And the kitchen has running hot water and cold, so does the bathing room.” Feyre says, turning on the lights in every room.  
Seeing Alis in the light reminds me of when Elain was first made, when she would stare out the bright window but no matter how much light came in nothing could fill the shadows off her face. Luckily, my sister in law was able to find a way to move past those first hard weeks, I hope Alis will as well.  
I lean against the front door of the two room cottage, noting the little tweaks I wish I could make to the floor plan. It’s a good design over all. Open sitting area that leads into the little kitchen with a dining table by the window. A bedroom and bathroom off the main wall. And a little porch in the back overlooking the bay. It was a good decision to build Emunah close enough to Velaris that we could check in when we needed but far enough away that our secrets could remain protected, at least long enough to make sure that those who came seeking shelter wanted to stay long term. Or wouldn’t feel tempted to speak to any family or friends who may be in other courts about it. After all, with Hybern dead and the queens who knew the secret either dead or in hiding, well, Velaris needed some more time to heal before deciding how to answer the question of it’s existence to outsiders.  
“You can of course go to the market with your weekly stipends but if you’re hungry many of the different farming and fishing organizations rotate hosting communal dinners. They give out a lot of great information to. Help people find work.” Feyre looks over Alis’s pale face.  
“They’re actively hiring cooks and housekeepers. When you’re ready of course.”  
There’s a pause as Alis takes in her new surroundings and gives my mate a hug.  
“Welcome home. We hope you’ll like it here.” I say. Feyre comes to me, taking my hand.  
“Thank you.” Alis whispers. I take that as our cue to go.  
As we walk down the lane of cottages, all in different bright pastel colors, many still in the process of being painted to their new residents preferences, Feyre leans her head against my shoulder.  
“They were killed in the attack on Adriata. Alis’s sister and her family. The younglings. Everyone she had left. By the time she made it to them they were gone.”  
I feel a punch to my gut as I hear this news. Getting the book of breathings seemed like the most necessary path forward at the time, and of course it was but, the summer court was still punished for our actions, my actions.  
“I’m so sorry for her loss.”  
“Me too. I couldn’t understand why she would go back to the summer court but that’s when I realized she didn’t have anywhere else to go.”  
“Now she has a new home. Thanks to you.” My lips brush her forehead.  
We turn onto the main street, the only one that is currently paved. Spring is finally here but a light chill remains on the breeze as it sways the white flowered trees that line the sidewalk. Elain comes into view on the steps of the Town hall building, the one that also acts as a distribution center and trade school.  
“How was the class?” Feyre asks her.  
“Good. It’s great getting to work with so many experienced farmers. They ask such insightful questions about the different species that grow here. The seasonality of the crops.”  
“Anyone interested in the opportunity to buy farmland?” I ask.  
“Many.” She says, still not looking me fully in the eye. Even after all these months my mates sister still doesn’t seem particularly comfortable in my pressence.  
The wood stairs creak as Azriel approaches holding multiple heavy looking feed sacks.  
“Where would you like these?” he asks Elain.  
“Over by the distribution area. Thank you.” She says, a small smile on her face. She has no trouble looking the shadow singer in the eyes. Interesting.  
“I think with such a mild spring it would be good to start with a diversity of produce to try and get key minerals into the soil for this crop cycle.” Elain says.  
“It’s a great idea.” Feyre says.  
I’ve got a situation over here. Cassian tells me, mind to mind.  
On my way.  
“There’s some stirrings going on in the Illyrian camps. I told Cassian I would head his way.” I say to Feyre. Azriel catches my eye and simply nods.  
“I’ll finish up here with Elain. Will I see you for dinner tonight?” She asks me.  
“Wouldn’t miss it.” I say, leaning in to kiss my mate. I’ll never get tired of this. Of her. The ability to love her so openly, so completely and know that she loves me just the same in return.  
Over Feyre’s head I see Elain smile and touch Azriel’s arm before he winnows away.  
Also Interesting.

#

**Elain**

Rhys and Azriel disappear and then it is just Feyre and I on the wide planked porch of the town hall. The wind blows the scent of newly churned earth and sawdust our way and I inhale deeply feeling fulfilled. Happy, even.  
“You don’t think this has anything to do with Nesta do you?” I ask, worrying the pillows of my cheeks.  
“No.” Feyre says too quickly. Our gazes meet. “I hope it’s not. There’s certainly enough going on up there that it doesn’t have to mean it’s a Nesta issue.”  
“I guess we’ll know soon enough.”  
“That we will.”  
“My speech on Spring sowing went well this morning. I had forty people come listen to me speak.”  
“That’s fantastic. Really.”  
“They asked if I could make it a recurring event, like a seminar or something.”  
“Is that what you want?” I can almost sense Feyre’s excitement.  
“I think so. I love the idea of being able to teach what I know. I’m thinking about planting a community Garden and I can hold class out there.”  
“That sounds like a great idea. We should get it on the calendar.” Feyre says, in that distracted way that tells me that she’s mentally talking to her mate.  
Lucien flashes briefly through my mind. If I accepted the mating bond would we be able to speak like Feyre and Rhys do? A rotten taste fills my mouth as I imagine sharing all of my most intimate thoughts and secrets with Lucien. It’s not that I don’t like Lucien I just.. I don’t know him. I’m not sure if I want to get to know him.  
“Why are you frowning?” Feyre asks.  
I quickly paint a smile on my lips. “Was just thinking.” I say, as I pick up the small bucket of tools I brought to my talk today. “Are we ready to go home? I promised Nuala that I would help plan the menu for this week and would love to get a head start on it. Especially with Starfall coming up.”  
A wistful look passes over Feyre’s face at the mention of the Night court holiday. “Yes. We definitely want Starfall to be special this year.”  
I grab at her hand and shut my eyes tight as we squeeze through time and space and stop at the front drive of the estate.  
My shoulders relax as I walk through the courtyard of the home Feyre and Rhys created. The trickling of the fountain as its waters cascade over the silver and copper river stones greets us while we walk through the front door. I can’t wait for the bougenvia I planted along the back wall to bloom.  
I bid Feyre a farewell and head over to my own room. My sister and her mate were generous when planning my own quarters, making sure that my second floor bedroom looked over the garden. It even has it’s own little balcony so I might sit out on my own and look at the city and winding Sidra. The room itself is perfect with a canopied bed and a delicate flowered wall paper. I leave my shoes and dress at the door not wanting to track dust and dirt over the hand tufted rug.  
I turn on the taps in the tub only letting it fill part way. I still can’t submerge under the water but over these past months have been able to come up with a routine to keep any anxiety at bay. I look at the window and into the garden beyond. My gaze settling on the stone bench in the corner. The same spot where my eyes have been journeying too often as of late.

_Tears trickle down my face as I squeeze the pruning sheers closed. She didn’t even say goodbye. She just sat there in her anger looking at me like I was the enemy too. Like it was my idea for her to go to the mountains. For her to leave all of us. I knew we had been drifting since the war ended. Something had been badly broken inside of Nesta and no matter how much I had begged she refused to open up. She wouldn’t talk to me._  
_A shadow falls across the flowers and I look up to see Azriel._  
_“May I?” He asks, gesturing to the bench beside me. I nod and then turn my head to subtly wipe my eyes._  
_“I wanted to see if you were alright. This morning was unfortunate.”_  
_He means it was unfortunate when Nesta said ‘You’re no better than they are.’ Before being winnowed away. It was her response to my ‘I love you.’_  
_“Oh I’m fine.” I say, going back to my immature tulips._  
_“If it were me. I would not be fine.”_  
_“I just can’t get over the feeling that I failed her somehow.” I swallow. “That after years of having her as my protector I couldn’t manage to do the same when she needed me.”_  
_“It’s hard. Trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It’s an impossible position. I’m sorry it’s one you have been placed into.” He says._  
_I nod. The gentle truth in his words feels like a caress. “It is. But I know Feyre feels it also. So why is it so much harder for me?”_  
_“I think the decision weighs heavy on Feyre. But from what I have been able to see of the three of you, Feyre has always been the most independent. And Nesta the most guarded. But she’s always had you. Feyre has had longer to accept Nesta’s nature, to accept that she doesn’t have as much of an influence with Nesta as she would like.”_  
_“Do you think the decision will eventually stop bothering me?”_  
_“No. But I think, I hope that by being in the mountains, by having a purpose, even if it’s just to terrorize some stubborn Illyrians, that she will be able to come to terms with her pain. Maybe even manage to let you back in.”_  
_I inhale and let the peaceful silence that Azriel brings with him envelop the moment. These moments with Azriel have somehow morphed into my favorite times in this new body, this new world. He gives me a small smile, one that starts at his eyes and then hesitantly travels to his mouth. All too soon though his face goes blank in that way I’ve come to realize means his shadows are reporting to him._  
_“I need to go report to Rhysand.” Azriel says._  
_Before I can consider what I’m doing my hand shoots out and holds onto his. “Thank you for coming.”_  
_Azriel’s fingers ever so gently squeeze mine in return and he looks at me. I am always taken aback by the beauty of him. The sharp lines of his cheek bones, the thick black lashes that surround his eyes. His full lips._  
_“My pleasure, Elain Archeron.” He whispers._  
_The way he says my name has my lungs contracting, my toes curling. I’d like to fly with you. I want to say. I’d like for you to hold me while I lose my breath and leave my fear back on the ground.. I don’t say these things though. It’s pretty obvious that Azriel is in love with Mor and even with her being away on the continent, I don’t think the Shadow singer would be interested in exploring the feelings I have for him. Because I have to admit what I’ve been dancing around these past months, that I do have feelings for him._  
_“Sometimes I sit out on my balcony.” I say, before he can leave. “Everyone else in the house is occupied but if you ever wanted to stop by. I wouldn’t mind.”_  
_“Tonight?”_  
_“That would be fine.”_  
_“Than I’ll come.” He squeezes my hand one last time before he winnows away._

 

My fingers caress my hand as if I can still feel the warmth of his palm. After leaving the bath, I dress for dinner pulling out my favorite blue dress. Every night that he’s been in town since that conversation in the garden, Azriel would meet me on my balcony. Voices sound from the dining room as I come down the stairs and I allow my steps to quicken. Rhys is here and if Rhys is here than Azriel must be here too-  
“Good evening, Elain.” Lucien says.  
“Oh. Hi.” I say, my gaze hitting the alabaster floor to hide my disappointment. “I didn’t know you were back.”  
“Just visiting for the night. I leave for Vassa’s lake at dawn but wanted…” He frowns. “to come have dinner with all of you.”  
A tight smile spreads across my face. Feyre looks on, her own lips tilted up as she watches us. Like he might decide to take me into his arms. Like I might decide to accept his suit. To accept the bond. As though time is all that I needed to realize that Lucien is my destiny. When in reality all time has done has made me more confused as to the nature of bonds, to the rules of this new fae body, to deciding whether to move forward with what’s expected of me or to take a risk and defy that expectation. To reject a bond that I never wanted or asked for. When in truth I haven’t actually explored if Lucien would be right for me.  
“So how have you been?” he asks, taking a step toward me.  
“Fine. Thank you.” I say, taking a seat on the raw silk sofa.  
“How has your garden been?”  
“Fine. I planted new seedlings a couple weeks ago.”  
“That’s nice.” He looks at me as though he expects me to say something else.  
“I haven’t been tending to it as much of late since I’ve been teaching, well, giving out seeds mostly, to the refugees from Spring.”  
“The Refugees from Spring?”  
“Well the ones who have settled in Emunah at least.”  
Lucien looks at Feyre but it’s her mate who answers, stepping into the room. “Ferye took it upon herself to create a settlement for those who were stranded in Spring when Autumn closed their borders. She and Elain have been working hard to make sure the new night court citezins can feel settled, setting up housing for them, living stipends, education to assist them with new or modified careers.”  
“Does Tamlin know?” Lucien asks and then frowns as if regretting mentioning the name of Feyre’s ex-fiance.  
“I don’t really think it’s Tamlin’s business. Clearly he hasn’t felt that those people were his concern.” Feyre says.  
I keep quiet and watch Lucien open his mouth and then shut it.  
“How long do you expect to be away?” I ask him.  
I feel a wave of gratitude deep in my chest and know it comes from him. “Hopefully no more than a few months. But Vassa’s time is up and Jurien and I have agreed to escort her back and hopefully negotiate her release.”  
“How is Vassa?” I ask, just to have something to say. I don’t actually know her. I haven’t even spoken to her. But she knew my father and for that reason alone I feel a connection to her.  
“She’s well.” He says. A feeling of nervousness but also affection comes down the bond and I wonder if I’m not the only one who has developed feelings for another over these past months. Just as quickly the emotion is gone as if I imagined it’s presence. As if I was trying to spin a narrative about something I wanted. “She is frustrated to be no closer to ensuring her freedom. But well.” The warmth and smile in his eyes makes me doubt my earlier thoughts.  
Nuala comes in and whispers something to Feyre.  
“Shall we sit? Dinner is ready.”

I focus on cutting the venison on my plate into smaller and smaller bites if for no other reason than to avoid having to make further conversation with Lucien. Words do not flow freely between us. The ease that I have developed with the others seems to have had the opposite effect with Lucien. The difference between us widening like a canyon. Feyre and her mate do what they can to fill the silence but with Nesta and the Illyrians off in the mountains, this dinner feels more like a terrible moment of forced courtship.  
“Am I too late to join everyone?”  
My head lifts as joy shoots threw me. Azriel’s gaze meets mine, and then moves on to Rhys and Feyre before finally landing on Lucien.  
“Of course. We saved you plenty.” Feyre says. Rhys snaps his fingers and another place setting appears next to him, at the head of the table. Far from me. When I drag my gaze away from him Lucien is looking at me while his magical eye asseses Azriel. I look away and go back to my food, burying my joy at Azriel being back deep within me. A thought goes through me that makes me nervous. I wonder if Lucien can feel my emotions the way I can sometimes feel his. If so what did he make of my joy of seeing Azriel. Does it even matter?

Later that night, after an awkward moment where I bid Lucien a safe voyage and he informed me that he would be spending the night. I snuggled on the chaise on my balcony looking out at the stars.  
“Can I join you?” Azriel asks me, leaning against the rail.  
A slow smile spreads across my face and I don’t try to hide it. “Please.”  
“So dinner was…”  
“Agony.”  
A surprised laugh comes out of him. “I was going to say interesting.”  
“I feel just as distant from Lucien as I did the first night we met. And that is worrisome.”  
“Why worrisome?”  
“Well, he’s my mate, I’m expected to try and make it work. I’m expected to try but it’s, not easy.”  
“Who expects those things of you?”  
I tilt my head. “Well everyone, don’t they?”  
Azriel’s gazes bores into me. “Not everyone. Rhys didn’t expect anything from Feyre. He was even going to let her marry somebody else. Even after that relationship ended he still didn’t declare the bond, he didn’t expect anything of her.”  
“But they still ended up together.”  
“Because they love each other, not because they’re mates.”  
“But what if that’s something that’s supposed to come later? The love.”  
“Well, you could go find out.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“He’s walking into the garden now, he’s about to throw a pebble at your window.”  
“Oh.”  
“Find out what it is you want. Call if you need me.” He says, and winnows away, leaving behind nothing but shadows.  
A second later a pebble hits the window directly above my head. Walking to the rail I look over to see Lucien. He has one arm raised as if to throw another pebble and drops it as soon as he sees me. “That was faster than I was expecting.”  
“I was already sitting outside.”  
He nods. “Would you, uh, could I, would you like some company?” He asks.  
I nod. “I’ll come down.”  
After pulling on a dressing robe and taking the stairs down I enter the back garden. Lucien is there, waiting for me. “Shall we walk?”  
I nod. Following him down the garden path, heading toward my favorite walk on the grounds, the one that leads to the view of the rainbow of Velaris. The gravel grinds beneath my slippers and it’s the only sound that breaks up the silence between us. The Rainbow is alive and glowing tonight, if I focus I can almost hear the joy pouring off of its streets. I’m envious of the rainbow. I miss being that vibrant, feeling that kind of joy.  
“It’s beautiful, I’ll give them that.” He says.  
“That it is.”  
“It’s amazing that it can still be like that, after everything. After the attacks, what it’s gone through.” He’s looking at me now. The way the words spill from his mouth makes me think that he’s not talking about the Rainbow. Not really.  
“It’s hard to say. I had never been to the Rainbow before it was attacked. I don’t know what it was like before.”  
Lucien’s foot grinds against the gravel. “I’m sure the Rainbow still struggles to grapple with what happened to it, probably still mourns the parts of itself it lost.”  
“Or maybe the Rainbow is realizing that it’s been completely changed. And even if it may feel joy at times, takes pleasure in the routines, it’ll never go back to what it once was.” It strikes me at just how sad this thought is. Just how sad my words sound as they carelessly dance from my mouth.  
“Do you think the Rainbow is stronger for it?”  
“Maybe. But I think we both know we’re not talking about the Rainbow.” Whether we were talking about him or me though. That was still up for question.  
“No. No, we’re not.” He crosses his arms over his chest.  
I take a deep breath and decide to say what I came out here to say. “I’m not sure why it’s been so hard for me.”  
“Why what’s been so hard for you?”  
“This. Talking to you.”  
“You went through a lot of changes. You needed time, I understand that.”  
“I’ve had time.” My lips smile tightly as I aim to be kind. “I know there’s no going back to who I was. I have accepted that the life I once thought I’d have is impossible now.”  
“But?”  
“But that hasn’t made me…” Want to get to know you better. I think the words but can’t speak them out loud. They seem so hurtful even to me. Even if that’s not my intention. “want to look toward the future.”  
Lucien nods his head. “I can wait. I will wait.”  
“I know you will. But I’m not asking you too.”  
Lucien’s eyebrows go up and he nods his head. “Are you telling me you want to be left alone?”  
“What do you like about me? What draws you to me, besides me being your…mate.” Calling myself his mate in front of him feels strange, off. Like meat that’s turning rancid.  
“You’re beautiful.” I frown at his words. “And you’re calm and gentle, and a part of me just wants to be around you. It doesn’t really matter who you are I want to be around that person.”  
My eye lids shut briefly. “I appreciate the honesty.”  
“But it’s not what you want to hear.” Lucien lets out a sigh and then pinches the bridge of his nose. “Give me the chance to know you. Give yourself the chance to know me. That’s all I’m really asking for.”  
“Is that true? Is that really all you’re asking for?” I put my hand on his arm. “Because I hear you asking for my time. My attention. For this magical, instinctive link between us that carries the weight of eternity to guide me into being courted before I’m ready. I’m not ready.”  
Lucien places his hand on top of mine and squeezes. “Okay.”  
“Okay?”  
“Yes. Okay. I’m not being deliberately obtuse. I can feel the difficulty between us. It’s not coming naturally, the bond, a friendship, something more. Whatever you want to call it. And if war and this experience has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t force it.”  
I pull my hand away and turn back towards the manor. “Then okay.”  
“I do ask one thing.” He says, falling into step beside me. “I’m not asking you to wait for me but I do ask that when my travels may take me to the night court that, well, that you’ll see me. That you don’t reject the bond just yet. That maybe over time, over the years, I’ll change, or you will?”  
“I think that’s a fair request.”  
He smiles at me. “I was hoping you would say that.”  
“You were hoping I would say you could court me.” A wave of embarrassment went through me. Did I really just say that to him?  
Lucien lets out a single breath that could maybe be described as a laugh. “Also true. But I can live with this alternative.”  
Lucien walks me to my door and wishes me a good night. When the door closes behind me a feeling of relief and sadness hits me in equally powerful bursts. I walk back outside and sit on my chaise. The moon has a blue hue to it tonight, tinting the shade of darkness. It must be later than I usually stay up at this point. But I’m not yet ready to go to bed.  
“Is it too late for our usual talk?” I asked the shadows in the fire end of the balcony.  
A moment later the shadow singer appears leaning against the same railing he had vacated an hour or so before.  
“I have trained myself to not need much sleep. The result of which is that even on night’s where I could take the time to sleep were I inclined to, it’s still difficult.”  
“What keeps you awake?”  
“All manner of things.” He seems to sense that I’m waiting for him to elaborate. “The problems with the Illyrians. The situation on the border of Spring and the Human Realms. Retaliation. Other such things the shadows bring to my attention”  
“What did the shadows report to you about my conversation with Lucien tonight?”  
“I sent them away. It didn’t seem polite to pry. I try to give privacy whenever possible.”  
“Are you curious?”  
“Your discussions with the son of the high lord of Autumn are your business.”  
“That’s not an answer.”  
“I’m curious.” He says and then flinches ever so slightly like maybe he didn’t intend to say so.  
“He asked if he could court me formally.” Azriel’s expression didn’t change and yet I sensed more than saw a tension in him. Maybe it was the brief tightening of his hands on the rail. I just knew. “I declined his offer.”  
His eyes met mine and I saw the question in them.  
I gather up all of the courage I have within me. “His is not the company I crave.”  
Azriel’s mouth opens just as I see a shadow snake up his ear. It seems to whisper something to him. As a light breeze comes in from the West, Azriel freezes.  
“I’m sorry. There’s a situation I have to attend to. Please excuse me.”  
And just like that with my heart laid bare on the balcony of the night court, he’s gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Azriel

I am very tempted to push Cassian off a mountain. The last thing I wanted was to leave that balcony but it’s hard to ignore the words EMERGENCY, being shouted into your mind. With Cassian though the emergency could be that they’re out of wine and he needs me to bring more. I know that this is not the case the moment I winnow to the Illyrian camp. Flames envelop the town square and Illyrians scramble to suffocate the flames. Nesta was standing outside the house arms wrapped around herself and a couple tears threatening to fall from her eyes.   
“What happened?” I yell over the scrambling chaos as Cassian flies in.   
“An attack. Someone lit the entire village on fire including the house. They’re sending us a message. They want Nesta gone.”   
“Who was it?”   
“Why do you think I called you in?” Cassian yells, while giving orders to Illyrians over his shoulder.   
Find who did this. Listen to the whispers. I tell my shadows and send them off into every directions. Than I send specific shadow messages to my spies in the camps. Tell me what you know.   
Rhys and Feyre winnow in and a wave of darkness immediately goes out and smothering the flames. Feyre sends an army of water mice to put out any hidden flames. Illyrians screech as they run through the town disappearing into the different houses. It’s a cool trick and I tip my head to Feyre out of respect for that creative piece of magic. She gives me a smile in return. Ferye and Elain have the Archeron smile, for all I know Nesta has it as well but since I’ve never seen her smile I can’t know for certain. Elain. I internally wince as I think about how I left her on the balcony.   
That’s not whose company I crave, she’d said. Was she talking about mine? It would seem so. If I really push myself I think it’s safe to say that I crave her company as well. She’s the bright, warm, and calm presence in my world of secrets and chaos.   
I’m sorry I had to leave in a hurry. I like being around you too. I send the shadow message to her hoping she can sense the warmth in my voice, the regret in having to leave abruptly. The second the shadow thought leaves me I cringe, consider calling it back. Maybe she wasn’t talking about me? Maybe I should have left off that last part. A new shadow thought reports to me before I can make a decision.   
The fire was started by three winged males. They flew North once the blaze began in earnest. Two banked West, one banked East. Two landed in the forest a mile south of the Alibine camp, one flew to the glades North of the Gonsain camp. All three are hiding in place.   
Follow them. Pick out all wing and facial details. I want a tag on them now.   
Yes, Shadow singer.   
The cries of children rang threw my ears and I looked around at the devastation. Rhys had thrown up a massive tent in the town square and already an infirmary was being set up for those who had received burns and other injuries. Cassian was laying into Devlin, demanding to know where the patrols were. The Illyrians gave me a wide berth most refusing to meet my gaze but some of them, the braver or dumber ones met my gaze with narrowed ones of their own. I could read the blame in their eyes. I wanted to scream and yell. An attack in our own borders and I never saw it coming. How could the high lord’s spy master not see this coming?  
Because you were so busy spending every waking second you didn’t have to spare for work thinking about Elain Archeron. Instead of focusing.   
Rhys comes up behind me and claps a hand on my shoulder. “Whatever it is you’re thinking, stop it.”   
“I should have known about this. There should have been warning signs.”   
“There were warning signs. We all knew about them. You have not failed this court. The blame for this lays at no one’s feet but the arsonists.”   
“Easy for you to say.”   
“It wouldn’t be easy to say it if I didn’t mean it.”   
“Should I resign?”   
Rhys let out a chuckle. “Go back to the house, Azriel.”   
“Rhys.”   
“I mean it. You’re no help to me like this. Go back to the house. Get some rest. Wait for your spies and the shadows to report back.”   
“There’s more to do here.”   
“We have things covered. Go. Bank your anger and focus it in the morning once we have answers.”   
I briefly consider defying the orders of my high lord but then I feel it. The dangerous lick of rage that is sitting in my shoulders, wanting to punish, wanting to make those who have hurt my court pay for their crimes. The moment I smother that rage, drain it into my siphons, exhaustion takes it’s place. I give him a curt nod and take off into the skies.   
An hour later, Velaris comes into view but even the lights of my city can’t bring back the warmth I feel like is missing in my chest. Banking my rage so quickly was a mistake because all that repeats through my mind is one thought, you failed your court. The river front estate comes into view and I slow over to the balcony closest to my bedroom. Elain is no longer on her balcony. She’s likely asleep. I consider sending my shadows out to listen to her breathing peacefully but pull back. She deserves her privacy and deserves to be left alone. It’s a problem with the house. I need to get my own place. She’s too close here. Her scent over everything. honeysuckle and vanilla mixed with sorrow and potting soil. It’s even in my room, It hits me as soon as I walk in.   
Because she’s sitting on the sofa by your bed. My shadows whisper.   
My eyebrows rise at this. My feet tread across the thick blue rugs Feyre selected for my room and round the corner to see her.   
“I thought you’d be asleep.” I say, in an attempt not to scare her.   
“I wanted to know what happened. When you left I went to find Feyre and Rhys and they were just winnowing away. So, I thought I’d wait.”  
He considered asking her why she decided to wait in his room but refrained. He didn’t want her to think she wasn’t welcome to come in and if he were being honest having her hear warmed something inside of him. Something he didn’t want to look too closely at.   
“There was an attack at Devlin’s camp. Someone lit fire to the whole town.” Her lungs inhale a quick breath and I hold back the urge to go and comfort her. “Everyone is safe though. And the fires under control.”   
“Who did it?”   
“That’s what I’m trying to find out.” I try to make light of it but my words come out harsher than I mean them too.   
“I’m sure you will.” She says. Her trust in me feels like sand paper grinding against my skin. It’s almost painful.   
“That is not a given. I didn’t even know there was talk of the attack. I have no leads and it’s my fault.” I sit down on my bed.   
Elain stands and I expect her to say something like, it’ll look better in the morning, then wish me a good night. She doesn’t though. She sits beside me. On my bed.   
“What I heard you say was that this was your fault. You started the fire?”  
“You know I didn’t start the fire.”   
“Then I fail to see how you get to shoulder this blame.”   
“ I’m the spymaster of the night court. It is my job to know everything that happens in this court and in the other courts. I need to hear all of it. Know all of it. It’s the only way to keep us safe.”   
“Is that even possible?” Elain asks. “Can you and your shadows actually here everything?”   
“There are limits to my power of course but I have an intricate spy network who is supposed to fill in those gaps. And I haven’t been growing that network of late, I’ve been distracted.”   
“Distracted how?” she asks, like she’s trying to understand what could possibly be on my mind now that the war with Hybern is over.   
You, I want to scream. You. But I can’t lay that at her feet. “The refugee crisis on the border of Spring, the autumn court and protecting the human realm. That sort of thing.”   
She pivots her body to face me completely. “I’d hardly call those things distractions. If I recall there has been a lot of talk about the Illyrian threat and Cassian and Nesta were meant to be handling that.”   
I keep silent. There’s no point in arguing with her.   
“Can I ask you a question?” She continues. I nod. “Do you feel like this a lot? Whenever something goes wrong that you don’t know about, do you blame yourself? Every time?”   
“Well it doesn’t happen that often.”   
“When it does?”   
“Yes. Every time.”  
“Why?”  
“Because whatever I do, it’s never enough. I’m never enough.”   
“No man, male, can stop every attack. It’s not like you can predict the future. That’s my job remember?” She’s grinning at me. I can almost see her eyes begging for a smile. I give her a small one.   
“That’s your gift, not your job.”   
“I want it to be my job. I want you to help me. Train me. Would you?”  
“If that’s what you want it’d be my pleasure. Not that I have any idea how to teach a seer.”   
“Who taught you to be a Shadow singer?”   
“Touché’.”   
“So it’s a yes? Whenever you have free time of course.” I give her a nod. She stands up and starts walking to the door. “Oh, and Azriel?” She says turning back.   
I lift my chin, giving her my full attention.   
“For whatever it’s worth. I think you’re always enough. You’re more than enough.” She smiles and then cringes almost like she regrets the words. But they lift me up, make me feel lighter, make me feel seen. I open my mouth to thank her, to tell her I feel the same about her, she’s more than enough, she’s everything. But she’s already slipped out the door and disappeared. I lay down on my pillow and close my eyes, still imagining that she’s next to me.


	3. Elain and Azriel

Elain 

I haven’t seen Azriel for a week. Feyre and Rhys come and go but for the most part it’s been me in this big house. I bake in the mornings with Neualla and Cerwidean and then someone winnows me over to Emunah so I can teach. I’ve taken to spending even more time here in Emunah and I like it. I feel a kinship with these people. People who were forced to leave the life they once knew and now are just trying to do the best they can to move on, to build a safe and meaningful life.   
My hands are covered in dirt as I place the last of the tomato plants into the soil in our designated community garden. There a four or five others around me, planting as well.   
“This was a really beautiful idea. Thank you for spearheading this.” A fae male, with hair the color of brandy, says to me. I’ve seen him around a few times but never spoken to him personally.   
“Oh no. You should thank the High Lord and Lady they’re the ones who gave the okay. I just do what I can.” I say, even my smile feels shy.   
“Don’t listen to her. She’s the mastermind behind every flower, plant and crop in this entire place.” Feyre says, coming up behind us. I look at her from beneath my wide brimmed sun hat, she has her monogrammed bag of brushes ready to go, complete with those rare paints I know Azriel got her from the continent. The fae male I was talking to bows his head, politely, smiles and then moves away a distance.   
“Where are you guys painting today?” I ask her.   
“Over by the bay. I think it’ll be calming. A nice incentive to come back next week.”   
Feyre and her business partner Ressina agreed that it would be great to start doing some painting classes in Emunah for the refugees in addition to the thriving school they already have in Velaris.   
“Maybe the next school you can open is in the Hewn City.” I say.   
Feyre laughs. Like I made a joke. “They’re probably throw it back at me.”   
“Maybe. Or perhaps those forced to live in the dark have the most need to try and let the light in.” I shrug and go back to my planting.   
“You’re right. I.. I’ll talk to Rhys and Mor about it.” She says, maybe as an apology for her earlier laugh. I give her a reassuring smile trying to tell her that I’m not offended as the look on her face seems to suggest. But that’s Feyre. I’m not sure my sister will ever be able to see me as someone other than the shell I first came to the night court as, or the simple sister who tends to the flowers. “Okay, well I’m off. I’ll stop by after class and see if you want to winnow home together?”   
She knows it’s not really a question but I nod anyway. “How is the rebuilding up at the Illyrians camp going?”   
What I really want to ask her is how is Azriel. Has he caught the perpetrators yet? Is he really too busy or is he just avoiding me for some reason.   
“The nice thing about rebuilding an Illyrian camp is that there wasn’t much infrastructure to start with.”   
“Have the perpetrators been apprehended?”   
“Yes. A couple days ago actually.”   
“Oh good. I was worried.” I leave a smile on my face but feel my heart sinking. So he’s avoiding me than. “Well enjoy your class.” I say ramping up my enthusiasm and grabbing for the bag of summer lettuce seeds that need planting.   
As Feyre walks away I try to think about what I might have done to distance Azriel. Had I been too forward? Should I not have pushed him on his feelings about his responsibility for the attack? He had just seemed so lonely, in so much pain. I could have sworn he might have felt a small kernel of something for me. Maybe it was my turning Lucien away? Could he think that I only declined the mating bond so that I could be with him? As if I was expecting him to court me now. Or maybe he just doesn’t see me that way and when I declined the bond didn’t want me getting the wrong idea.   
He doesn’t need to worry though. I know he only has eyes for Mor, even if she is away on the continent. Whatever the reason I think his message is clear. He wants space. He doesn’t want to be around me. He doesn’t want me taking his kindness as anything but what it is, kindness.   
“What’s put that frown on your face?” The same male with the tawny colored hair who had thanked me earlier for planting the garden says as he walks back over. I guess now that Feyre’s gone he feels like it’s safe to talk to me.   
“I’m sorry?”   
He coughs quickly into his arm. “Pardon, that was probably a personal question. You just seemed so sad all of a sudden.”   
“Oh, I was just, you know, worrying about the night court citizens.” One citizen in particular.   
“I’m Leehum, by the way.” He stretches out his hand. I take it.   
“Elain.”   
“I know. I took one of your seminars on growing economically in a changing climate. It was excellent.”   
I sit up a little straighter. “Thank you.”   
“After the class all the males were whispering trying to figure out if you had a mate.”   
I hope that the mild sunburn that’s developed on my face hides the heat I can feel entering my cheeks. “I-“   
“I told them I thought you did. Lucien Vanserra, Tamlin’s right hand man, right?” He asks it in a way that makes me wonder what other stories about me have spread, true or otherwise.   
I stand up and pat the dust off of my skirts, then begin pulling off the gardening gloves Lucien bought me for solstice. “To the best of my knowledge, Lucien is no longer in Tamlin’s court. And he and I are not mated. No.”   
Leehum tilts his head to the side. “Well, that’s a surprise. A nice one. I was hoping to get to know you. And if there’s no male breathing down my neck for even speaking with you…” He takes a deep breath. “Would you, uh, would you be interested in grabbing a drink with me. The fishing town over has this great little bar where they serve a homemade cherry liqueur with real cherries in them. It’s excellent.”   
“Oh wow. That’s-“ A large shadow falls over the two of us. A shadow with wings.   
“Ready to train?” Azriel asks.   
I blink up at him. He doesn’t speak to me for a week and the second his shadows report that another male has gotten the courage to ask out the sister of the High Lady he pops up. Anger, rich and boiling hot rises within me and I do everything I can to hold it inside so someone doesn’t get burned. A particular winged someone.   
“Just one second.” I say.   
“Sure.” Says Azriel.   
At the same time Leehum says, “absolutely.”   
They make eye contact in front of me and I can see each one size up the other. Leehum, rightly so seems to back away first. Azriel has the audacity to look innocent.   
“What are you doing here?” My words are even, calm, and I don’t keep the hint of surprise out of my tone. He very well knows we didn’t have any plans to train.   
“Getting you for training. You said whenever I have time. I have time now.”   
“Azriel.”   
“I’ve figured out an approach. An approach for getting your vision completely in your control.”   
“Azriel.”   
“Is now a bad time?”   
“Where have you been?”   
“Up North.”   
My anger wants to lash out at him. It wants to ask him why he didn’t feel the need to even check in. To come back once I was asleep and have left before I’d awaken. I want to ask him to explain himself.  
But I don’t.   
Azriel owes me nothing. He is not mine and I am not his. He really might just genuinely have come at a bad time. A wave of sadness goes through me at the thought. The thought of him not caring.   
“How is the recovery going?”   
“Good. The physical harm is all but gone. The emotional recovery will likely be slow. It’s pretty unheard of for an Illyrian to attack another Illyrian camp when there isn’t a feud. And never in the dead of night. It’s considered cowardly.”   
“So it was confirmed that it was other Illyrians?”   
Azriel nods. “There are those in the camp however who are slow to acknowledge that the criminals are who we say they are.”   
“Meaning they think you’re lying and pinning it on other Illyrians.”   
“Yes.”   
Despite my lingering anger, my heart hurts for him. “That must be very hard.”   
His shoulders lift gently trying to brush it off. He doesn’t do a very good job of hiding his true feelings though.   
“So are you ready to go?”   
I want to. I want to fly with Azriel anywhere he chooses. I missed him. I want to be around him. Even if that means I have to train powers that I would rather went away. But he doesn’t seem to want the same from me. And if I want to keep him around as my friend I need to be clear that I am not waiting for him, not pining after someone who has already given their heart away five hundred years ago. So instead of saying yes what I end up saying is, “actually I already have other plans.”   
Azriel’s eyes flash a second of hurt before he looks away. But I still see it. Instead he moves his gaze to look at Leehum. It’s not a friendly glance. Leehum swallows. I gnaw my teeth together trying to contain my annoyance. I refuse to be the person to drop everything for Azriel after he deliberately avoided me for a week.  
“Then I guess I’ll see you later.”   
“See you.” I say just as stiff.   
Azriel stares down Leehum for a moment and then gives a curt nod before winnowing away.   
“Are you a, ready to go?” Leehum asks me.   
I paste a smile on my face. “Lead the way.” 

I spend the next two hours completely regretting me decision. All I can think about is the flash of hurt in Azriel’s eyes. I accept shot glass after shot glass of the cherry liqueur finding that I rather liked the first glass I tasted. And absolutely loved the third glass. After the fourth glass I noticed that Leehum became funnier. Which was a good thing because I had been close to tears of boredom as he talked to me about his old job in Tamlin’s court offering quick loans for those faeries who couldn’t afford the teethe. Thankfully this simple bar on the bay, Porto’s, that we’ve been sitting in announces a last call for orders, they’d be closing in ten minutes.   
“Well this has been lovely, thank you for the conversation.” I say, a little louder than my original intent.   
“It was my pleasure. May I walk you back into town?” he says. I give him a quick nod and proceed toward the exit. My feet stumble slightly, whoever installed the timber wood did not do a good job of making sure the floor was even.   
Leehum walks me out of the bar but keeps bumping into me. The ground’s not very steady though in all fairness to him. When we leave the bar I’m taken aback by how dark the sky has gotten. Other than one or two people heading home, no one is out on the streets anymore. I begin to get uncomfortable with the knowledge that I will let Leehum walk me back to town on a road with no lighting, I think I would rather take my chances myself.   
“I’m actually going to say god night. I’m just going to meet my sister. Her art class should be finished by now.”   
“I think the art class finished a few hours ago. At least.”   
I rub at my face trying to make sense of it all. “What time is it?”   
“Eleven.”   
“I should get home.” I start walking up the lane back toward the town square.   
“Hey, wait-“ Leehum says. I trip and my skirts get in the way, making me fall. A second before I hit the ground though hands wrap around my waist.   
“Thank you.” I say, turning toward Leehum to see he’s not the one who’s holding me.  
Azriel is.   
“What are you doing here?”   
“I thought I’d check and see if you needed a ride home. Glad I caught you.”   
Leehum is a few steps away. “Thank you, uh, for your company. Have a nice night.” He says, already turning away.   
“Same to you.” And even slightly tipsy. Perhaps more than slightly, I know I will not be seeing him again.   
“Did you want that ride home?” He asks me again.   
I want to say no. I want to have the ability to walk or winnow myself. My options shouldn’t be, fly in the arms of the male who I want and doesn’t feel the same about me or make a large fuss and force my sister or brother in law to come pick me up in the middle of the night. But those are my options and so I nod, already guarding against the pleasurable torture of being held against Azriel’s body.  
Azriel lifts me into his arms and takes off into the sky. I wrap one arm around his neck and leave the other free to dance in the wind. Azriel stays rigid, his arms in a perfunctory hold, his gaze focused on the sky in a way that I know means that he’s just focusing on finishing his task quickly. A muscle in his jaw tightens and loosens and I run my fingers over it, anything to get him to relax. And maybe also out of curiosity of what his skin feels like under my fingers. He tenses.   
“Do I really make you that uncomfortable?” I ask him.   
Azriel glances down at my face and frowns. “No, Elain. You do not make me uncomfortable.”   
“Are you mad at me?”   
“No. I’m not.”   
“Then why did you avoid me all week?”   
“I wasn’t avoiding you-“   
“Liar.” I lean my head back. “If you weren’t avoiding me you would have sent your shadows with a message for me.”   
He’s quiet for a long time. “You’re right. I should have sent you a message.”   
My fingers still playing with his jaw, move to his cheek. “Azriel?”   
“Hmm?”   
“How long were you waiting outside that bar?”  
He’s quiet for a few seconds. “A little while.”   
“And why aren’t we winnowing?”  
“Did you want to winnow?”  
I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. “Well the only reason you wouldn’t winnow is if you wanted to hold me longer. But if you want to hold me you just have to ask.”   
I feel his arms tighten around me but am too tired to stay awake and hear a reply. 

Azriel 

Elain is still asleep in my arms by the time we return to Velaris and I land on her balcony. Agony. It’s the only way to describe this feeling. I stayed away for a week to try and focus on my mission, on the court. But I hurt her. This past week without her was even more difficult than I thought it would be, and her anger at me, that I could take. But not this, going to get drunk with another male who she doesn’t even know. My jealousy had four hours to simmer while I sat on that roof and waited for her to come out of that mediocre pub. At least I’ve had this time to hold her. Her words from earlier in the night make me grin again.   
If you want to hold me you just have to ask.  
That was always his problem though. Of course he wanted to hold her. But there was no exploring things with Elain. It’s not like he could just start seeing her, become romantic with her and than when Lucien got back or Mor-   
He didn’t even know. His feelings for Mor had been so long winded, and he knew she didn’t feel the same about him. If she had, she would have put him out of his misery a long, long time ago. And Elain- No matter what she said, whatever they agreed, she still has Lucien. The bond isn’t dead they’re just waiting on it.   
My feet pad silently across her bedroom floor and pull down the quilts on her bed. Even though I don’t want to stop holding her I lay her down on her mattress. I’ve had my time of peace, of holding her in my arms while flying over the land I love so much. My hand’s unlink her hold on my clothes, unwind her arm from my neck. Her eyes flutter open.   
“No. Stay. Stay a little longer.” She says, pulling at my hand. Scooting over in bed.   
“I should go.”   
“But you don’t want to.” She says. “Stay.”   
I know I shouldn’t. Every part of me is telling me that this is a bad idea. Once I get into that bed I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to leave her.   
“Please.” She says, already almost asleep. Her fingers are still entwined with mine.   
And so, against my better judgment I toe off my boots and climb in beside her. She immediately snuggles against me, her head in the hollow space between my neck and shoulder. Her scent, no longer dulled by the wind, hits me again in full force and I move closer to the smell of orchids and soil. My lips caress her forehead and rest there. I close my eyes for a moment knowing I’ll need to let her go in a few minutes. But I can take a few minutes. 

When I open my eyes, Elain’s awake. She’s staring at me. The glass door to her balcony is open slightly and the birds have begun to sing even though there is still only moonlight shining in through her windows. We stare at each other letting the sounds of the nightingales outside fill the silence. Her fingers find my cheek. There are things I want to say to her, explanations, but I stay quiet not wanting to ruin this moment. When her fingers hover over my lips I part them kissing the tips of her fingers. She pauses, looking at me, a question in her eyes.   
“Are you going to disappear again once I wake up?” She asks, her voice no louder than I whisper.   
No. I’m never going to leave you again. I want to tell her. “I’m not sure.” Is what I actually say. Because I don’t really know what the dawn will bring. I don’t know what I’m doing. With her in her bed. All I know is I can’t stay away. I don’t want to. I missed her so much, her gentle presence, her warm smiles and the peace that radiates from her as beautiful as the flowers she plants.  
This strange in between place with us both standing on the precipice but neither of us seeming ready to step off. Because she has a cauldron declared mate and even if they aren’t together now…they will be, one day. And I don’t deserve her. Even if she might care about me, for reasons I can’t comprehend.   
“What are you thinking?” She asks me.   
My hand caresses the side of her arm. “I’m thinking I don’t deserve to touch you. That I don’t want to taint the beauty and peace that emanates from you with my scarred hands that have done countless atrocious things.”  
“Than just hold me for now.” She says, pushing her body up against mine. “Hold me.”   
My arms wrap around her and my lips rest against her forehead. At least there’s one thing I can give her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading please review! I want to know you're out there and your reviews just make me write faster!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everybody! Thank you so much for the love you guys are giving me it's really appreciated and hearing directly from you guys is why I love fan fiction and this community so much! Please keep letting me know your thoughts and your feeling! I love making new friends so say hi! 
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> Enjoy!

Feyre 

“You’re insatiable, you know that?” I half moan, as Rhys lays another kiss at the base of my neck.  
His hands caress down my sides, cupping my breasts. “I’m just trying to be thorough. You want a baby and I am making sure I do,” Kiss. “Everything.” Another kiss. “I can to give my mate what she wants.”  
“I’m going to be late.”  
“I’ll make it quick.” He says.  
I squeal as he flips me onto my stomach and climbs on top of me. One of his hands is underneath me as his fingers play with me, making me shutter, making me moan. His lips and tongue and teeth make their way down my neck while my legs spread open ready for him. So, so ready.  
“Now. Please now.”  
“As you wish, Feyre Darling.” He plunges into me, filling me from behind, surrounding me with everything that’s so distinctly him. My body pulls at him, greedy, so greedy.  
“You’re mine.” He announces and I clench around him as I hear those magic words, the ones that make me crazy, the ones that bring me so close to completion.  
“Yours.” I agree feeling half out of my head. He holds me tighter as I feel the connection between us pulling taught. Closer. And closer. Until I explode. Rhys clutches me, never letting up on his pace allowing every drop of ecstasy to course through me and just when I think I’m finished he finds his own release pushing me over the edge again.  
With an immense amount of gentleness Rhys leaves my body and moves off of me though he keeps his arms around my back. His hands draw circles around my back, relaxing me, caressing me while I come down from the high that only loving him brings me.  
“I will never get used to this. You. Us.”  
I turn and kiss him with all the gentleness and love I can manage. “Good.”  
He smiles and it turns quickly to a groan as I get up. “Don’t leave.”  
“We’re both going to be late if you don’t get out of bed. And if you plan on making it to Emunah at all today then you need to get that beautiful behind up to the Illyrian camps first.”  
“Ah, yes. Punishment to dole out to my people. How exciting.” He groans before getting up.  
I dress in a pair of brown slacks and a lilac sweater. Maybe I’ll stop in and check on Alis after my planning meeting at the town hall. I really want to streamline the citizenship process for those wanting to move forward and right now it’s too disorganized to efficiently allow people to enter into the country. “I’m going to see if Elain wants to winnow with me.”  
I walk down the back staircase and head toward Elain’s room. I expect she may be in the garden but it’s possible she’s already finished her morning tasks and is reading in her room.  
“Elain?” I call opening her door. My forehead feels as though it’s disappearing into my hairline as I note a set of Illyrian wings in her bed.  
Right then.  
I pivot on my heel and turn around keeping my lips together so as to not make a single sound. I’m going to just assume Elain’s found her own ride into Emunah today. I push aside my confusion and let my nose scrunch up in happiness. 

 

Elain 

I’m completely and utterly distracted as I answer questions for those participating in my seminar in Emunah. I keep thinking about last night. The mattress was warm beneath my hand when I awoke but the bed was empty save for me. I know he was there though. I remember the feel of his chest beneath my cheek and his breath against my hair. I remember falling back asleep to the melody of his heartbeat.  
“a restaurant?” A blonde female says to me at the end of the seminar. People begin to file out of the community garden but I can see a few people still standing around and speaking to each other.  
I blink. Try and refocus on her question. “Sorry, one more time?”  
“What would be the process of starting a restaurant?”  
“Oh. I don’t know but I can find out for you.”  
“I think the people here would love some Spring court specialties.”  
“I think that’s a great idea. I still miss some of my favorite foods from childhood. I’m sure people would be appreciative to have some of that back.” I tell her with a smile. “Please tell me your name so I can find you once I have the answer.”  
“It’s Fillia. And you don’t have to find me, I’ll be back at your next seminar, you’re an excellent teacher.”  
“Thank you.” A bloom of pride and embarrassment spread through my chest in equal amounts. I don’t know if she is just trying to flatter me but I want to believe her sincerity. It’s so strange, only a year ago I never would have questioned her words. I never would have wondered if she was being genuine. Maybe the war changed that. Or maybe it was losing Grayson. As I wave goodbye to her though I wonder if questioning people’s sincerity is such a bad thing or if maybe it’s just a side effect of growing up.  
I go in search of Feyre, excitement making my steps weightless. How exciting would it be for the residents of Emunah to begin to open their own restaurants and shops? As I walk I wonder if perhaps we should create an area off the main square, a whole street dedicated to shops and restaurants and craft stalls for people to sell their wares?  
I stop short in the middle of the square as my vision glazes over to the empty part of emunah still nothing more than fields and a dirt paved shortcut toward the bay.  
It’s just past sunset. The avenue is alive with shoppers and street performers. A group of people laugh as they clutch onto each others arms as they leave a bright blue café with a wrought iron banister and floating lanterns bewitched to hover above the air. Their feet clatter across the multi colored cobblestones of the street and they pass a push cart loaded with intricately designed jewelry. There are violins harmonizing with each other in front of a multitiered stone fountain, and just there under the shade of the giant willow tree, sitting on the circular bench built around it’s trunk is a winged mail and a female with strawberry blonde hair.  
I come back to the bright reality of mid afternoon with a start. I yearn to be back in that vision. To go back to the laughter and the violins. To the couple sitting on that bench. Was it Feyre and Rhys? Nesta and Cassian? Or do I hope it was me and Azriel? I take in a deep breath of air and take off at a run across the dusty square toward the half finished school house I know my sister has been meeting in. My feet bound across the steps and as I push the door open my momentum sends it slamming into the wall behind it. Every head in the room turns to me, including Feyre’s and she immediately stands.  
“Jewelry carts and colored cobble stones.” I say to her, almost out of breath.  
My sister’s head tilts for a moment her eyes narrowed in confusion. But than it clears. I see a dawn of understanding. And a smile.  
“Tell me everything.” She says.  
Joy, bright and sharp course through me, making my hands tingle. Making my heart sing. And this feeling, this wonderful connection with my sister finally seeing me, seeing my gift my curse, and seeing that excitement on her face. It feels like victory, no, it feels like triumph. 

Back at the house, Feyre, myself, and ten thousand pieces of cut paper are strewn across her office floor. We stare at a large map of Emunah sprawled out between us each exchanging purple squares for yellow triangles trying to come up with a conceptual plan for this district.  
“And If we put the main hotel here,” Feyre says, moving an orange trapezoid to the very top of the avenue. “Than we can put another inn just off the square.”  
“I think it’s the theatre that needs to take the top.” I tell her moving a bright pink star where her trapezoid had been. “That way the main hotel hugs both the square and the grand avenue, so those coming for both business and pleasure have a close walk to their desired destination. And…” I pause for a moment finding the green squares and lining them on either side of the theatre. “That way those visiting Emunah will pass by the various shops and stalls on their way to and from the theatre enticing them to spend their coin in the area.”  
“You’re a visionary.” Feyre says, a wide smile taking her face.  
“I’m a seer actually. It’s out of my control.” I shrug.  
She shakes her head. “No. You told me your vision. This, this is all you.”  
“Are we staring a greeting card business?” Rhys comes into the room, a hand in his pocket.  
“Actually we are putting together a master plan for Emunah. We’re going to make the premiere tourist destination in all of Prythian.” Feyre tells him. I stay quiet, anxious to hear Rhys’s thoughts.  
“I’m intrigued.” He says, sitting down behind his mate and draping an arm over her shoulder as he looks at our work. “But I don’t know what I’m looking at.”  
“You tell him.” Feyre says, her face glowing as she looks at me.  
“Me? Oh, no-“  
“It was your idea-“  
“Vision.”  
“Only the first part. Come on you’ve planned most of this out it’s genius. Elain is a born city planner.” Feyre tells her mate.  
“And I’ve only ever been to one city.” I shrug.  
“Elain, the only way to solve this is for me to be the judge. So why don’t you tell me what I’m looking at?” Rhys says.  
I open my mouth to start talking when Azriel walks into the room. My gaze locks with his as if it’s not air between us but a magnetic force. A soft smile spreads over his lips.  
“Oh good, Az, come sit. We are about to hear all about Elain’s genius.” Rhys says.  
I can almost feel the pink staining my cheeks and I look away. “It’s not-“  
“We’ve already decided that I was going to be the judge.” Rhys says. And motions for me to start to talk.  
“Okay well it all started with my vision.” I tell them about what I’ve seen and as I do, as the excitement builds back up new images appear in my mind, as though building on the last vision.  
There’s a restaurant that has a massive outdoor courtyard strung with twinkle lights. And there are children. They are running with pinwheels and, begging their mothers for some coins to buy a caramel apple from the confectioner next door.  
My breath catches when I see who one of the mother’s is. When I see who the child belongs to. My chin shakes and I feel tears trying to fall but I clear them away not willing to lose the vision.  
I watch the child run across the street to a large park, the girl runs across the lawn, past a pond where swans glide across the surface, and stops at the fence to a dog park.  
“Daddy!” She cries. A man turns, smiles at the child.  
And the amount of love and joy that I feel in that moments halts. And a gust of confusion chills my whole body . Utterly confused. The vision evaporates like steam into the morning air. A frown crosses my face as I try to make sense of it all. Because the child in my vision, my child, that child’s father, does not have wings.


	5. Chapter 5

Azriel 

Something is bothering Elain. She barely made eye contact with me after her vision, or while she spoke of her plan for a shopping and entertainment district in Emunah. Even when I touched her hand at dinner she looked up at me and gave me a polite smile. Like last night had never happened. As though she hadn’t asked me to stay with her, as though I hadn’t held her all night. Does she not remember? Or is she ashamed? Does she regret the decision she made when she was one half drunk and the other half asleep? I force myself to pay attention to the conversation taking place over dessert.  
“All I’m saying is that you would need to incentivize actors from Velaris to perform in Emunah.” Rhys says, popping a cherry into his mouth.  
Feyre is equally animated as she leans closer to him. “Not if we work something out with one of the theatre companies, and have them send their supporting actors to be leading players in Emunah. And for those wanting to get their foot in the door with a Velaris theatre company would jump at the opportunity to get experience in Emunah.”  
“How do we know there’s interest in theatre outside of Velaris?” Rhys counters.  
“How do we know there isn’t?” Feyre smiles at him. “There are no other theatres open in Prythian. Definitely not on the human side of the wall. We had minstrels at best. Didn’t we Elain?”  
Elain perks up as though she hadn’t been listening to their conversation. As though she hadn’t been in the room at all.  
“At best.” She says.  
“See?” My high lady stands and gathers the now empty plates as though Elain’s word is law and she’s somehow won the argument. I remain silent though I do feel my shadows hiding a grin. My gaze falls on Elain again hoping that she’ll look up at me. She doesn’t.  
But Feyre does.  
“Well I am exhausted. Rhys I think we should head to bed. Azriel do you mind staying and keeping Elain company?” She smiles wide and gives me a wink.  
I don’t know how she knows but she knows. Because Feyre is doing the same nudgy thing she would to Elain when Lucien was around. I need her to stop. But I have no idea how to tell her to back off without admitting to what she thinks she knows.  
Elain finally looks up at me.  
There is unrest in the Fellin camp. My shadows report.  
I close my eyes briefly. Really? Now? I try to keep my frustration off my face. I need to talk to Elain.  
A mob is brewing. They fly on Cassian’s camp in ten minutes. The shadows say.  
Send a warning to Cassian. Let my spies know to stand ready. I respond.  
“Rhys. A moment.” My chair legs scrape against the hardwood floor as I stand.  
Rhys looks at me curiously, then looks at Elain, and then back at me. I walk into the other room and he follows. “We have a problem. It’s the Illyrians. They’ve put a mob together it’s starting in the Fellin camp. We have five minutes. They’re headed for Cassian. How do you want to move?”  
Rhys curses then wipes a hand over his mouth. “What are my options?”  
“With the amount of loses they took during the war? You could winnow in and give them a warning, hope it will be enough. You could also make an example of a few of their people. Or you could let them march on Devlin’s camp. My spies tell me they will not be backing down on their own. We have seven minutes.”  
Rhys glares at me but I continue anyway. “They can’t claim that we’ve fabricated a story about Illyrian’s attacking other Illyrians if an entire mob of them show up. Too many witnesses.”  
“We can’t let that camp be destroyed again to prove a point.”  
“You’re the high lord.”  
Rhys sighs and his eyes glaze over as he sends a silent message to his mate. “Let’s go.”

We winnow into Fellin’s camp. It’s worse than I thought. At least two thirds of the camp are assembled on the main road, wings spread readying for flight. They’ve even allowed the females to carry torches. Rhys sends out a blast of darkness that throws everyone onto either their knees or their wings. Their faces register who is in their mist and I see genuine terror enter many of their faces. But not enough of them. The next moment every torch is extinguished and all that’s left to glow are my siphons and Rhys’s deadly silver night. Rhys steps forward, the all encompassing leader of the night court, the strongest high lord in all of Prythian History.  
“Would someone care to explain?” Rhys growls.  
No one speaks. Fellin steps forward.  
“We have had enough.” Fellin says, hatred in his eyes. The worst kind of hatred, the kind that masks a pain so deep, so severe, that it makes you hesitate to strike. “We are not your blade to be used and broken and then tossed aside when no longer needed. We have suffered enough, lost enough, and yet you curse us. You house, that, that thing, in our midst.”  
Nesta. He means Nesta. My claws dig into my back to keep myself from growling. No one gets to call her a curse except her family. Even if the term is sometimes accurate.  
“I am your high lord. Were I to decide it I could mist this entire camp into oblivion. With just a snap of my fingers.” Rhys looks down purposefully at a boulder near by and snaps his fingers, making it disappear into mist. Finally I smell the whiff of fear I had been waiting for from Fellin. He wisely remains silent. “I understand there is pain here. The war was brutal on all of us. Losses have been heavy and we are grateful to your warriors for their sacrifice. But this anger and violence will gain you nothing but more corpses. So you have a decision. Allow yourselves to grieve, allow yourselves to heal. This female poses no threat to your people, do not foolishly put yourselves at risk for a threat that does not exist.”  
“We will consider.” Fellin starts, pushing his shoulders back drawing himself to his full height. I almost snort. A less empathetic high lord would have had him slaughtered for just that hint of a challenge.  
“You will give me your answer now. As there are really two choices. You choose to heal your people and forget this nonsense or you will be replaced.” Rhys doesn’t even have to mention that replacement also means death.  
“We will take some time to…grieve.” Fellin almost growls the last word.  
“High lord.” I say, placing a hand on truth teller.  
Fellin’s nostrils flare. “High Lord.”  
After one last sweeping glance across the crowd, during which I know Rhys, like me, memorized the names and faces of all those standing witness, those still holding weapons or unlit torches, he winnows away. A second later I follow. ‘  
We both land onto the balcony of his study. Rhys’s jaw is clenched and before I can stop him he takes a fist to the stone balustrade and breaks off a chunk of it from sheer force.  
“Feyre’s going to kill you.” I say, trying to lighten the mood. This is usually Cassian’s job in moments like this but my guess is that even if he was here, he's feeling rather volatile right now from the threat to his…Nesta. Whatever she is to him.  
Rhys waves his hand and the stone piece is back in place like nothing happened. “I’m failing them.”  
“They’re failing themselves. They are a stubborn people who train to be warriors their entire lives and yet they have no idea how to grieve when some of those warriors don’t return home.”  
“They’re our people.”  
“Your people. And only by half. You are welcome to embrace them as family and recognize that part of your identity. But as far as I can tell your mother is the only one of them who was ever kind hearted. I do not belong to those people.”  
“Then where did you come from Azriel? Because I know those bastards tortured you but you can’t just divorce your entire culture because of it.” Rhys says, like he doesn’t know.  
“As far as I’m concerned I am a dreamer who emerged from the shadows. I hate that lot, after thousands of years of inbreeding something has finally festered in that people. A cruelty that won’t change.”  
“They are our largest army. We would not have won the war without them.”  
“There are a lot of people who were it not for them we would not have won the war. Including you, Rhys.”  
Rhys shrugs. Like it wasn’t a big deal. Like he wasn’t the critical key to saving the world from the massive rift the broken cauldron created. As though his decision to make Feyre the first ever high lady hadn’t helped save the world and his own life. He still doesn’t see, I am expendable, even Cassian is expendable but Rhys is not, and because of that…  
“You do not owe the Illyrians anything. They are the ones who are in your debt. I agree that strategically it’s likely not the best idea to annihilate all of them.”  
Rhys smiles. “Not the best idea but I will agree tempting at times.”  
Rhys’ face glazes over and I know that he’s silently communicating with his mate. Before I can take my leave Feyre comes out onto the balcony already in sleep clothes. She wraps her arms around Rhys’ waist and he in turn brings his lips to her forehead. A gentle ache, barely noticeable tightens my chest, I would almost call the feeling envy but it’s a sadder emotion than that. I want what they have, I realize. The question is it even possible for someone like me. My gaze shifts briefly over to the south toward where the house wraps hiding the line of balconies from the other bedrooms. From Elain’s bedroom.  
“You two want to come inside? We could all sit, if you want to continue the conversation.” Feyre is still holding onto Rhys.  
“In one second love.” Rhys says.  
“You two go inside, we’ll speak more tomorrow. I have other business to attend to.” Being deliberately cryptic. Rhys nods but Feyre gives me a knowing grin that makes my feet want to shift and my eyes to break her gaze. I force myself to remain still.  
“Goodnight, Azriel.” Feyre says and they head inside.  
I winnow away but I don’t go too far. Just to another balcony. I don’t land right away though. Instead I stay hovering in shadow watching her for a minute. She’s out on her balcony like she is every night. The candle has already burned low, she’s been reading for awhile. It’s my favorite time to watch her, like this. With her feet bare against the cushions and the loose wisps of her hair blowing gently in the wind. She’s wearing a silver silk night gown that ends just past her ankles. In the moonlight I can see the outline of her delicate curves, the light jut of her hipbone which has thankfully filled in during the year since she turned Fae.  
“I know you’re out there.” She says.  
I don’t move. How could she possibly sense my presence? I wait a few seconds and when I don’t appear she frowns, a small notch forming on her forehead. Just before she goes back to her book, I clear away the shadows and reveal myself.  
“How did you know?”  
“More shadows.” She says, like that explains everything. Unless maybe it does. Maybe she’s come to realize that my favorite place is in the shadows, where I feel safest, where I feel most in control. Maybe I’m just reading too much into this. “So what was the big emergency tonight?”  
“The Illyrians…again.”  
“How much of this is Nesta’s fault?” She asks.  
“None. The Illyrians have survived for millennia in some of the harshest climates by adopting a kill now, deal with emotions never policy. They don’t understand Nesta and they hate Cassian, the two of them up there together…they feel like it’s a threat.”  
“That’s unfortunate.” She says.  
“It is.”  
Something feels different between us tonight. I can’t identify exactly what it is but I hesitate to move closer to her like I would on other nights. Her gaze is still kind but it’s almost like her inner light isn’t glowing as brightly. As if she has left it on dim when usually she lets it beam straight at me. Like a beacon of warmth and kindness. I’m the moth and she is the flame. But the flame is burning too low tonight as though it’s trying to keep me at arms length instead of draw me in.  
“Did you want to sit?” She asks, smiling at me.  
Or maybe I’m just overthinking things. I take the cushioned arm chair to the right of her chaise, and I realize it’s not the chair that’s usually on her terrace, this one has been designed to accommodate Illyrian wings.  
“I hope you didn’t switch this chair out on your own.” I say. Thank you. The word you were looking for is thank you, I badger myself.  
“Oh no, Nuala and Cerridwen brought it up when I told them that I wanted to accommodate wings.” Her cheeks take on a slight pink hue. Seeing the color bloom on her face makes that same heat bloom in my chest. “For you and Cassian and Rhys, of course. Quite discriminatory of me not to have a variety of furniture on my patio.”  
“Indeed.” I grin.  
She grins back. We sit in companionable silence for a few minutes but when she still doesn’t bring up last night I start to shift slightly in my seat. When I look back over at Elain she is looking up at the stars, her lips pinch in what I could only call contemplation.  
“So we haven’t really talked about it, but I was serious about training you, I think I found a technique that may be helpful.” I say, even though what I really want is to ask her about last night, and this morning. Why she wanted me to stay, hold her. Whether that was something she now regretted or if she wanted to ask me again. I don’t remember ever sleeping as peacefully as I did when I had Elain in my arms.  
“Is tomorrow too soon to start. I know that I wasn’t always so open to, to training my…“  
“Gift.” I supply, knowing she doesn’t see it that way.  
“Sure.” She grins. “Training my gift. But it would probably be good to control it and there are things that I’m interested in learning. Answers I want to try and find.” The way she says it makes me think that there’s something she’s not telling me or there’s a specific something she’s looking for.  
“We can start first thing tomorrow.” I say. She nods quickly to herself, the gesture seems almost nervous. “If you’d like.”  
“That’s probably a good thing. As of now it just sort of, um, comes over me, as quick as a sneeze, but less expected.”  
I can tell she’s trying to keep her feelings light, but it’s not working I see the fear, the pain, the confusion. But she’s told me every vision she’s had so far. And I know they’re getting easier for her to understand, this past vision about Emunah was magnificent, but maybe she’s keeping something to herself.  
“Is there anything about your visions that I don’t know about that you want me to?”  
She looks at me as if she’s seeing me for the first time. Her eyes seemed glazed over in a daze, as if she was lost in a memory until this moment.  
“If you wanted something but knew it didn’t have a happy ending would you pursue it in the first place?”  
My first thought is of Mor. My love affair with the idea of her, stronger than the reality of us as a couple. The distance between us, all of these months with her away and us apart have helped me come to terms with that. If I could go back in time and tell myself that it would never happen, that I should move on, would I?  
“Whether I would choose not to act doesn’t seem like it’s the real question. I think the real question is could I make those feelings go away. And I don’t think that I would have been able to.”  
She’s sits up leaning closer to me. “But would you? If you could?”  
Would I have chosen to not have loved Mor at all if I had the ability, if it was as easy as turning off a switch?  
“No. I don’t think so. Feelings and experiences, even the hard ones, the heartbreaking ones, I think they make us who we are.”  
Her gaze meets mine and a small smile crosses her lips. “I don’t think I can help it either.”  
Then her lips find mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading everyone! More to come soon but please let me know your thoughts! Tell me what you think! If you liked it please tip in comments :)


	6. The Muses

Elain 

Azriel inhales deeply against the kiss. I needed to do this. Even if it’s just once. Even if he pushes me away and says he doesn’t see me that way at least, at least I’ve tried. At least I’ll have closure.   
But he doesn’t pull away.   
His hand comes up to my cheek, wraps around into my hair and anchors itself there. Holding us together. He leans forward farther, escalating the kiss bringing us closer. His lips open wider and mine open in return, the kiss deepening. I lose my balance and fall into his lap but the connection doesn’t break. Azriel’s arms go around me and pull me fully onto his lap, my legs on either side of him with just my thin nightdress between us. The feel of his sculpted and muscular body, so huge compared to mine has me pressing closer so we’re chest to chest. It’s not enough though. It’s not close enough. I want to know what the lines of his bare chest feel like under my fingers, I want to know if he has scars across his torso or if he’s warm and smooth beneath my finger tips. I press harder against him and feel the evidence of his attraction against the notch between my thighs. An instinct, wild and primal has me pushing even harder against him, has my heart beating faster, to an impossible pace-   
Then he disappears.   
I blink back to myself and see Azriel’s chest heaving from where he now stands on the other side of the balcony. My knees press against the cushion of the chair he was just in. My lips tingle wanting his back on mine. I don’t know why he stopped but the longer the silence stretches the more worry begins to creep into my chest like the chill of the night air. I feel the need to cover myself even though I’m fully dressed. So different, this Fae body. This culture, nature. I would have sooner cut off my fingers than jump into Grayson’s lap and kiss him with such animal hunger in the human realm. I break eye contact. What has gotten hold of me? Especially considering that I want to do it again. I want to go even farther.   
“I need a minute.” Azriel says, his words reach me on a whisper of air and hard forced breathing.   
I nod but still don’t look at him. Does he need a minute to tell me that the kiss was a mistake? An ache starts travelling through my chest as the impending rejection hangs over us. I didn’t ask if I could kiss him. I should have asked him. It would explain how Azriel and I wouldn’t end up together if he had turned me down after a single kiss. This I suppose is the least painless albeit most embarrassing way to end anything that may have been forming between us.   
But he kissed me back.   
“That was…” Azriel starts and just leaves the sentence out in the air to drop. For my own mind to fill in the blanks.   
“A mistake?” I ask. My lips cringe as I say it but I just need him to tell me one way or another.   
“I was going to say wonderful, but if you think it was a mistake I can forget about this moment.” He rubs at his chest.   
My muscles jump from the shock of his words. Wonderful. He thought it was wonderful. “I don’t think it was a mistake. I just didn’t know if you did.”  
“I…have,” He grinds his teeth, like he’s in pain. “Apologies I am not used to speaking about my feelings when they feel this personal.”   
He closes his eyes briefly.   
“It’s only me. You can tell me anything.” I move back to the chaise curling my legs under myself. “Even if that’s something I wouldn’t want to hear.”  
“I know that. It’s why I, why I feel this need to be around you. What just happened Elain, I have wanted that to happen for a while now.”  
His admission warms through my heart and shoots out through my limbs. “Why didn’t you?”  
“You have a mate. Or did until very recently. And I didn’t…”He takes a shaky breath. “being around you has brought me more peace than I have had in a very long time. My friendship with you is something I didn’t want to risk hurting. “  
“And now?”  
“Well it feels as though the lock has been picked on the box of Pandora.”  
“You mean that we can never take back what we just did.”   
“I suppose there’s that interpretation. I was actually referring to the universe of possibilities that are now open, opportunities I will now always know exist.”  
“And what do you want to do with those possibilities?” I ask, with a bravery I rarely feel.   
He smiles. “Explore.”

 

Azriel 

Had I just said that? Oh, Cauldron, that sounded much more sexual than I’d meant it to.   
The panic rises in me like a wave swelling in a storm. “I mean explore the possibilities of this, you, us.”   
I just need to stop talking. I was never meant to be the person who spoke. That’s Cassian or Rhys, I’m the listener.   
“I’d like that.” Her fingers play with the hem of her nightgown my eyes move to the fabric caressing her delicate hands. “But how do we move forward? I don’t want to make it hard for the inner circle.”  
I think of Feyre and Rhys, the innuendos, the awkwardness of trying to have a full relationship with Elain while they’re more or less down the hall. “Can we take it day by day? I’d like to take you out one night.”   
“Where?”  
“Anywhere. To dinner. A show. An opera in the amphitheater off the cliffs is particularly memorable. Or just for a walk. Somewhere.”  
“Yes.”  
“That’s it? Just yes?”  
Her lips curve up and a hint of starlight shines in her eyes. “Were you expecting me to argue with you?”  
A surprise smile lifts my lips. “Maybe take some time to think about it?”  
“Don’t you think I’ve already thought about this?” Her head tilts causing her hair to fall over her shoulder. “Yes, I’m sure.”  
The way she tilts her head catches a hint of moonlight in her eyes. It draws to mind a place, a special place, somewhere I’m sure she would like. Love. “Well, then let’s go.”  
“Right now?” She thinks I’m joking, I can tell by the curve of her lips.   
“Yes. Right now.”   
She lets out a startled laugh. “What time is it even?”  
“Late, I’m sure.” But the thought of waiting any longer to take her to the place I’ve been imagining being with her seems like further agony I don’t need to go through with.   
“Should I change first?”  
“No.” My eyes sweep down her curves and for once I don’t feel the need to hide my gaze from her. Now that I know what that silk feels like beneath my fingers. What the curve of her breasts feel like pressed against my chest. “But if you’d really like you can take a robe.”   
Her eyes narrow slightly but the grin on her lips remains. “I’ll be right back.”   
The minute she leaves my sight my heart drops.  
What am I doing? What am I doing?  
I take a deep breath and pull both hands through my hair.   
She has a mate. She has a mate and she is just trying to rebel against the inevitable. You are just going to get hurt here. Or she will. When she realizes that she can’t fight the pull of the bond no matter how ‘understanding’ Lucien may seem. If she were my mate, I would wait for eternity. Hell Mor isn’t even my mate and I’ve wait half a millennia. Mor. If I’m honest with myself I haven’t thought about her nearly as much as I was expecting to. I haven’t missed her the way I expected either. This is the longest we’d ever be apart, and while I’d expect the pain of not getting to see her everyday I definitely didn’t expect the relief. The relief of not being the male who pines after a female who will never return his affections. And now I’m here, exploring this with Elain. Waiting on her balcony to take her away. I know this is a mistake. She is too important. Not just to me but the inner circle. And she’s so young, and so innocent, more than Feyre ever was. She may want more than I can give. There are things I can’t promise her. I’m the court spymaster for god sakes, she needs someone who is gentler and able to spend each and every day by her side, helping her throw parties and taking her to balls and dances, and-   
“Okay, I’m ready.”   
And we’ll take it day by day. We have to take it day by day or I will go out of my mind from torturing myself with how this will ultimately end badly. So for now all I can do is make sure she has a beautiful night.   
I take a deep breath. “Than let’s go.”   
Elain has buttoned a robe that looks more like a dress over her nightgown, a pretty matching thing with touches of velvet at the shoulders. The material flows over my arms as I lift her and shoot off into the sky. The place I have in mind isn’t far. It’s situated just behind the University of Velaris but still close enough to the other museums and public parks so that the rainbow can be seen from the entrance. Instead of bringing us to the entrance I fly her to the exact spot I wanted her to see first, knowing we can walk from there.   
A touch her down just outside the building I want and can tell by the confusion on her face that she was expecting something else. I touch my palm to the lock on the door. Mine and Rhys’s hand prints are essentially the master keys throughout all of Velaris. A perk of being the head of Velaris’s security in addition to spymaster. The door clicks open and I offer my arm to Elain.   
We walk into the antechamber and before opening the main door to the dome I turn to Elain. “So the university of Velaris have been studying what’s been inside this room for almost two millennia. But I like to come here because, well, you’ll see.”   
Then I pull the door open. 

 

Elain 

My breath catches in my throat and I have to blink a few times to clear my eyes. TO make sure I’m really seeing what I’m seeing.   
The entire green house, no, bio dome, is filled with glow in the dark, plants, and their flowers, their flowers are dancing. Actually dancing like to their own symphony. And seedlings that look like they’ve been lit with their own interior moonlight, they’re swimming through the air. It’s like they’re being blown by a wind but there isn’t a breeze to be found. And then there’s the music. The sounds of the brightly lit blossoms as the move through the space is like the most beautiful melody I’ve ever heard.   
“Are they real?”   
“They are very real. What they actually are, plant or animal, well that is still being debated after all of this time. But they are very rare, and very fragile and very particular.”  
“Particular?”  
“There’s a reason this exhibit is not opened to the public. Most people will live in Velaris there entire lives and not know about this place. They have preferences, the Muses, for who they will allow in their midst.”  
“I don’t understand.”   
“Walk forward and find out.” He says.   
I look quickly at him from the side of my eye and take a tentative step forward and then another. Some of the plants closes to me stop dancing as they notice my feet on the pathway and then they lift up a few inches onto their glowing roots and take their own step towards me. And then the strangest thing happens, the flower smells me. I nervous laugh bubbles out of me at the absurdity of it all. A flower smelling me. As though I’m the beautiful scent. The flower ripples different colors in time with the vibrations of my laugh and moves closer still, wrapping a small vine around my wrist.   
“They like you.” I hear Azriel say behind me. “I thought they would.”  
Sure enough small floating seedlings begin to hover around my shoulders, while more plants still in varying colors glow ever brighter as they more closer and closer to me. The original plant that smelled me is now making it’s way up my arm. My heart is pounding in a rapid cadence like the wings on a hummingbird. I look to Azriel to make sure it’s safe, that they’re not all gearing up to start feasting on my skin.   
Azriel is beaming. I’ve never seen a smile as wide or as genuine as the one currently gracing not just his lips but his entire face. There’s a light in his eyes that I can’t turn away from. I decide in that moment even if it’s only for a short time, even if this ends in the worst kind of heart ache being with him. It will be worth it. A peel of laughter flies out of my mouth. Another and another. The plants have me surrounded. And then the strangest thing of all happens in this surreal night, the plants kiss me.   
One by one they each kiss me and a euphoria, the likes of which I’ve never experienced in my life begins to course through my body. It’s a high so great that the only thing I can imagine is that there is some sort of drugging property in their kisses because the whole room seems to become the inside of one of Feyre’s painting, bright and addictive, and I won’t dare close my eyes.  
Another peel of laughter escapes my throat this one longer, farther, and I double over from the hilarity of the moment. From the genuine joy that seems never ending. I don’t even remember what sadness feels like, what pain feels like, which is the strangest sensation since I’m still cognizant that I have felt those emotions in the past, I felt them in large proportions for quite some time.   
A caress warm and sensual touches my skin and I gasp from the pleasure of the feel of it. I turn towards its source and Azriel is looking at me. He doesn’t not share my smile. His face is now cautious frowning.   
“I’ve never seen them do that to anyone. I’ve heard of one taking a particular interest in a male or female but never so many toward one. Are you okay?”  
“I am perfect. I am the heavens and the clouds. I’m peace and love and beauty-“ My breath catches as a vision shoots through my eyes.   
Arms and legs and lips and teeth and tongue. This beautiful female is wrapped around the body of her lover. A male with dark wings and blue siphons. She tips her head back in euphoria and the male places large open mouth kisses up her neck. Closer. She needs to be closer.   
“You’re going to make love to me.” I tell him on an alluring cloud of diamond dust and pure happiness. Azriel’s eyebrows fly up his forehead like they have sprouted their own set of wings. Somewhere in the semi-forgotten recesses of my mind it occurs to me that telling someone about an erotic vision is not something that people say to each other. It’s most assuredly not something that I would ever say to anyone. But I’m too happy to care, my lips spread wide at the hilarity of it. Azriel’s cheeks have developed a pink tint that must be quite red if it has the ability to show up in this darkness. My fingers find his cheeks and my eyes flutter closed at the otherworldly sensation of his smooth jaw beneath my finger tips.   
“I could touch your face all night. All year.” I tell him. But suddenly I don’t want to just touch him with my fingers, I want to touch him with all of my, my whole hand, my arms, my face. I rub my nose against his cheek to see what it feels like. Then my lips.   
Azriel clears his throat. He’s breathing hard and his arms are wrapped around my waist. “I think it’s time for us to go.”  
“Oh no, I think we should stay. We should stay forever.” I say, letting my tongue taste his jaw. He’s delicious.   
“I’ve only ever experienced a muses kiss once and it was only from one plant, I can’t fathom the level of drugs that are currently in your system.”   
Something about that word makes me pause. “Drugs?”   
“The other reason Muses are not on display to the public is for their more unique properties. Their kiss. It creates a euphoric high, an ecstasy so pure, I knew they would like you but I never thought they would grant you a kiss on your first visit and multiple kisses at that form multiple plants. I have half a mind to take you to the hospital.”  
“But I’ve never been better.” My hands have begun touching his Torso, I want to know what his skin feels like, I need to know what lies under the fabric of his tunic. I feel Azriel’s gasp against me as my hands find the plane of his abdomen. I feel short of breath myself, the warmth and scent of him, it’s driving me crazy. My mouth finds his neck again and then his ear. Azriel groans.   
His arms pull me tight against him halting the trajectory of my mouth. “Elaine. I want this. Badly. But not like this. I’m sorry.”  
There’s a burst of air, the muses by my feet and still playing in my hair and on my shoulders are flown several feet away from me.  
Then we vanish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience this week! It's been crazy! there's only one more chapter before the end of the story. I will be doing nanowrimo during the month of November and encourage all of you to do it too! Anyway after nano I will hopefully be back with the sequel to this story. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please don't forget to leave a comment to let me know you're out there :) 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr or twitter at @LauraMwriter 
> 
> Thanks!


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